1.7 2050

The News

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3 January 2050

Press release

Review of a “Green Mall” by a grumpy Gen X shopaholic

By Maria Turtschaninoff

I went to this mall with my grandchild, who assured me it was “dope”. I don’t like it when the youth of today assume the sayings of my generation. Get off my lawn, kids! Speaking of lawns, there were way too many of them at this mall. A mall should be inside a huge concrete building, and lawns should be well clipped and outside my house. Not on top of roofs! On top of that, these lawns had probably never seen a mower and were full of wildflowers and butterflies and bugs and things. NOT sanitary. I think I even saw a goat grazing? In a city? Jeez.

I deduct the first star because a bird pooped on me when we got there. This is why we need to stop biking everywhere and resume driving in cars. I get way too much fresh air and bird poop.

But the worst thing about this mall was that they didn’t sell any stuff! I want to go to a mall and be mesmerized by all the shiny things that I can’t afford and then buy them anyway and cry when my credit card bill comes. This mall consisted of small buildings connected with walkways lined with trees (more darn birds), and in each building there was a repair shop. Repair shops for phones and washers and pots and clothes and shoes – wait, I guess those are called cobblers – and electrical things and what have you. I know my grandparents used to fix things when they broke, but not my generation! Our things weren’t built to last. We would toss it out and buy something new. A new phone every year, new clothes weekly and new furniture whenever the fancy struck. OK, I know not all of the world lived like this. But everyone I knew sure did.

I blame this recycling and re-using on those awful Gen Alphas. They care too much. Now my generation, we knew how not to give a shit. Sure, we’d recycle the odd bottle and try to turn off lights when we left the room. But this generation – they like actually want to make a difference. Maybe because the world is hotter than it’s been in like, ever? Who knows. Not that they’re nearly as bad as my grandkids’ generation. Gen Green. Ick. What a name, am I right?

I didn’t get to buy a single item, and that’s another star off this review.

I heard the person who came up with the concept of the repair mall would be rich now, if people still got rich as they did back in my day. Now she’s just a global hero or something. Whatever. The mall had a food court which was almost like the ones in my day, except with no disposable cutlery or plates. The food was quite good, even though it was all locally sourced. They had a blueberry cobbler that tasted like my grandma’s. I wept when I ate it. I don’t like crying in public, which is why I will deduct the last star I was going to give.

A Gen X shopaholic