Press release

US-sponsored non-state actors seeding oceans with banned geoengineering tech?

(Leaked transcript of video call between US Leader-for-Life and African President of the Free States)

By Rajat Chaudhuri

US President, William Trump (A dim tantalum bulb swings slowly above his head, ominously close. Shadows dance on the bare wall. The light goes off repeatedly and every time this happens, a secret-service guy rushes in with a torch.)

African leader, Virendra Xulu (Dazzling backdrop of a solar farm stretching right up to the horizon. He seems to be floating on an infinity pool.)

Trump

Hello, Chef! How you doin’? Hope you don’t mind me calling you Chef, Mr President of the Free States?

Xulu

Howzit, Bill? Can’t see you clearly.

Trump

That’s amazing! Know what, we had a little setback but are getting back into the electricity game. It will take a little more time and some help from friends while we sweep the States clear of hostile forces.

Xulu

Good to hear that.

Trump

Great, thanks, Chef. But coming back to business, you’ve done a classy job with the solars I’m told. And hey, I can see you’ve got a lot of water over there too.

Xulu

Zilch! This pool is just holo-AR, but the solars, yes. Those are real… I’m told.

Trump

Secretary of Defence Maven tells me he has already informed you that we need that electricity you are pumping out from the sun. For our bioreactors, while agri gets back on its feet. We are going after the losers who engineered that blight.

Xulu

Happy to help, but we will be left with no power if—

Trump

—You have the crop fields and the elephants. Why do you need power? We can use it here for our all-American ThinAir process. My scientific adviser, Clara, tells me we got loads of the dioxide here… same carbon-goddang-dioxide… and the micro-bees; we only need your sun volts to manufacture our food.

Xulu

Whoa! The bees? Hmm… but Bill, that tube you stuck into the Milky Way – that was what started all this trouble and the wars. My northern regions turned wasteland and the Sahara is still crawling southward…

Trump

Let it crawl. It’s all China, so no harm done. It was the commies that started this business. Besides, you have enough sun over there; a little darkness at night is good rest for your eyes.

Xulu

But the sulphur you are pumping up—

Trump

—Look here, Chef. You are a fantastic guy, I admire your leadership. But the Great Gustaff [SO₂ pipe] is non-negotiable. We can do some other deal… lemme see… I hear you don’t see any fish lately?

Xulu

Ag, man, not a shoal in our oceans.

Trump

Great. We can bring those back.

Xulu

I always knew you were a witch-doctor, Bill, but if you take down the Gustaff—

Trump

—We will vaporize those Mexican terror groups seeding the oceans and driving away the fish and you give us electricity.

Xulu

Mexicans? Please don’t nuke ’em again…

Trump

So it’s a done deal. Our floating Tesla towers will get your sun volts across the pond and you enjoy grilled snapper, like good ol’ days.

Xulu

But Bill, Mr President, your people will get respite from the acid showers if you bring down that tube of yours!

Trump

I will tweet that out, professor. Meanwhile enjoy the sun while you have it!

(Drone attack alert can be heard in the background.)

Onwards into the 2070s…