1.6 2030

The News

All the news, all the time.

3 January 2030

Press release

Matrimonial advertisement: Indian NRI seeks suitable match

Thanks to our reporter Rajat Chaudhuri for finding this curious advertisement on a local classifieds site.

By Rajat Chaudhuri

Hi, this is Chandan. Indian, non-resident Indian (NRI), clean-shaven male of 27 years with a PhD in sports medicine, seeking a suitable alliance with Indian Hindu cisgender non-veg woman – caste no bar. I hold a stable job with decent pay and climate-insured accommodation in a Chinese MNC-run gambling city 50 kilometres from Johannesburg, South Africa. My employment conditions offer reasonably excellent labour rights with handsome perks including discount-price access to Chinese super-vaccine, Coronacraft, which guarantees protection against all future mutations of novel coronaviruses. I am looking for a strong-willed and like-minded partner of milk-white complexion, with no siblings.

My current location offers robust food security under the US embassy’s McBush animal-protein programme for 12 months supplemented by Chinese Communist Party-certified TruSafe GM rice, both renewable annually, subject to good-behaviour criteria. My ideal partner would be someone with low bodyweight and a healthy appetite for fun.

I am honest, hardworking, and believe in reincarnation. My role at the company is that of stretcher-bearer, first class. Low-risk job, involves the gentle bearing of the most esteemed guests of probability theatres (new nomenclature for gambling establishments) when they are unable to move by virtue of excitement, shock or disagreements with security personnel.

With gold-standard morals, I have accumulated good karma and look forward to sharing it with a life partner who has all requisite vaccinations for the updated zoonotic disease outbreak list of the WHO. My only weakness is a fear of spectres, whose numbers have exploded after a year of flash floods and raging wildfires. I look forward to offset this dread with the nectar of conjugal bliss.

Looking for a spouse, from a good educational background, who doesn’t harbour any inclination to generate offspring, as this tends to destabilize the current economic scenario and is a weight on the planet. Instead I foresee a child-free union, which will augment our store of good karma, granting us higher stations in our next life – in a hydrogen-powered future.

Please connect via IM with your bodyweight and enrolment number.