1.5 2070

The News

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3 January
2070

Press release

Obituaries

Capitalism: 1760–2068

By Maria Turtschaninoff

Unnoticed by most, Capitalism has passed away at the ripe old age of 308 years. Its death throes during the last decades were violent and harvested many casualties, but in the end Capitalism went with a whimper, not a bang.

In its youth, Capitalism was characterized by a wide-eyed enthusiasm that was contagious. Capitalism loved to travel and enjoyed the finer things in life. It worked hard at many new innovations and technologies, and much of what we have today we owe to the exploits of early Capitalism – good and bad.

Capitalism had a certain charm that was hard to resist. Even its enemies admit as much. There were many people who suffered the evils of it, yet fought for it, tooth and nail.

“It took me a long time to see Capitalism was abusive,” says a former lover who wishes to remain anonymous. “When times were good, they were really good. You know? There were many small warning signs, but I chose to ignore them. You tell yourself that it’s not that bad. My kids tried to warn me, several times, that Capitalism wasn’t good for me. But I was completely caught up in the race to reach for a little more, always more, not caring who I stepped on in the process. I didn’t see that the one I was hurting the most was myself. It wasn’t until I finally dumped Capitalism that I started seeing all the ways in which I had suffered.”

The former lover is now in a healthy relationship with Ecosocialism. “It’s not perfect, because nothing is. But we work at it together, every day. I am so much happier now that I know I am not hurting those around me – human and non-human societies alike.”

Capitalism did not take gracefully to being rejected. In the last decades, many of its cronies tried to fight innovations like employee representation on company boards in the 30s and the replacement of GDP with GHW (global human welfare) in the 40s. Capitalism tried to keep its hold on its staunchest allies by filling them with fear of the new world that was emerging, which led to a lot of unrest and revolts in many places globally. Many lost their lives as a result. Including nature in human measures of success was one of the hardest pills an ageing Capitalism had to swallow.

As happens with many who live long lives, Capitalism had, in the end, outlived most of its friends. The last of them left for Mars in 2062.